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Father (punishing his son for his poor school report): “Believe me, Billy, it is more painful for me to punish you than it is for you.”
Billy: “But not on the same spot, Dad.”

Schoolmistress: “When was Rome built?”
Schoolgirl: “At night.”
Schoolmistress: “Who told you that?”
Schoolgirl: “You did, madam. You said Rome wasn't built in a day.”

“Dad, give me a penny.”
“Son, don’t you think you’re getting too big to be begging for pennies?”
“You’re right, Dad. Give me a pound, will you?”

Mother: “What are you crying for, Tom?”
Tom: “Teddy hurt me.”
Mother: “In which way did he hurt you?”
Tom: “I was going to hit him, but he had ducked his head so I hit the wall.”

“Daddy, buy me a drum please.”
“Oh no, you’ll play it and disturb me in my work.”
“No problem, I’ll only play when you are asleep.”

Mother: “You have been complaining about stomach-ache all the morning, and now you are going to swim with your friends!”
Son: “That’s all right, I’ll swim on my back.”

Schoolmistress: “Now, remember that anything you can see through is transparent. Can you name something that is transparent?”
Little Nelly: “Yes, madam. A keyhole.”

The father was in an awful hurry. He repeatedly glanced at the clock hoping he wouldn’t be late for work.
His little son who was watching him, said to the mother:
“Mum, stop the clock, otherwise Dad will be late.”

“How many voyages were made by Columbus?” the teacher asked.
“Four.”
“Quite right! And after which one did he die?”
“E-r-r... Sorry, sir, I've forgotten.”

Roy's school report was rather bad. His mother said, “I promised to buy you a bicycle if you learned better. What were you doing last term?”
“I was learning to ride a bicycle.”

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Schoolmaster: “What is a statesman?”
Pupil: “A statesman is a person who makes speeches.”
Schoolmaster: “Not quite right. I, for instance, also make speeches, but I am not a statesman.”
Pupil: “Yes, I know, but I mean a person who makes good speeches.”

It was a rainy summer. Two little London boys were in the country-side for the first time.
One of them saw some mushrooms. He did not know what they were and shouted to his elder brother, “Look what this awful weather is doing! It makes young umbrellas grow”.

Father: “Mary, have you eaten all the candy without thinking of your little brother?”
Mary: “No, I was thinking of him all the time! I was afraid he would come before I had finished them.”

A man who was walking along the street saw a little boy standing near the door and trying to reach the doorbell. The adult went up to the child saying, “I can help you”, and rang the bell.
The next second the naughty boy whispered in his ear, “Now we must escape”, and ran away.

A teacher was giving a health talk to the class and warned her pupils not to kiss animals and birds. “Can you give me an example of the danger arising from kissing animals, Walter?”
“Yes, Miss. Aunt Mary used to kiss her dog.”
“Well, and what happened?”
“The poor dog died.”

A school inspector paid attention to the problem of the disturbance of work by outside noises. He visited a school near a railway.
The inspector was listening to a class at a reading lesson, when a noisy train went by. He stopped the girl who was reading and asked her, “Did you unconsciously raise your voice as the train went by?”
“If I was unconscious of it, how can I tell you?” the girl replied.

См. такжеанглийский юмор, английскую хрестоматию для начинающих, английскую хрестоматию для продолжающих, английские словари и другие учебные материалы по английскому языку.